On Quarrel and Repair

“Married people should especially at the outset beware of the first quarrel and collision, observing that vessels when first fabricated are easily broken up into their component parts.”

“Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.”

“But never was it a true lover's part to vex with bitter words his love's repose.”

“Just as conjugal caresses and endearments ought to be private, so ought admonition and scolding and plain speaking.”

Watching couples resolve disagreements, researchers found a ratio. Stable, happy marriages carried five or more positive exchanges for every negative one during conflict. Couples heading for divorce ran about one to one.

Of the four corrosive habits Gottman named, criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt is what happens when disagreement curdles into superiority.

A repair attempt is any word or gesture, however small or silly, that stops a fight escalating. The couples who last are not the ones who never fight. They are the ones whose repairs land.

“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”

“Husband and wife have no enmities which can survive a night.”

“Lovers' quarrels are love redoubled.”

“You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever.”